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SUPERMODEL BECOMES TELEPATHIC GENIUS AFTER HIGH FASHION FALL
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NEW YORK – "I'm not trying to imply that Natasha wasn't smart before the accident," said designer Zac Posen. "But the change has been...noticeable." Supermodel Natasha Poly, 23, suffered severe head trauma on a recent Russian Vogue shoot after falling onto the upturned spike of a platform heel. Upon recovering consciousness, Poly reportedly snatched a scalpel from the operating ER physician and carved into the hospital wall a set of intergalactic coordinates that pointed to an overlooked meteor hurtling toward Earth. "It can be said with confidence that Miss Poly singularly saved mankind from total destruction," said Dr. Alan Jenkins, 62, who led the ensuing meteoric obliteration mission. Since then, Poly has texted back and forth with President Barack Obama
to strategize a new multivariable wind turbine supply chain for southwestern Rhode Island. –Celine Sumner
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BY THE NUMBERS
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Percentage of POP magazine staff members who are able to spell the word "February"
Source: LOVE magazine
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NASA TO INVESTIGATE THE OBNOXIOUS GENIUS OF MIUCCIA PRADA
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Washington, D.C. – Miuccia Prada's uncanny ability to synthesize the fashion zeitgeist prompted NASA to investigate further. "There has to be an explanation. To be that timely, to distill the spirit of our times so acutely...well, it isn't normal," said NASA Chief of Sensitive Data Harold Vogel. Vogel's team of 35 junior researchers spent countless hours and sleepless nights analyzing stolen strands of Ms. Prada's hair under a microscope. For inspiration, researchers closely studied the work of legendary scientists and thinkers only to discover that Miuccia's unusually large forehead has precisely the same dimensions as Sir Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and even Plato: "A whopping two by three feet!" exclaims Vogel. "You'd think we'd have noticed it before." The emerging theory, according to project leader Timothy Romney
, is that "Miuccia is host to hyper-sensitive nerve endings that pick up what we think are remote radio waves transmitting cultural data. We're only just starting to grapple with the implications of such a transmission, but in the meantime, it helps explain Miuccia's vaguely obnoxious ability to articulate the moral, intellectual, and cultural climate of an era via coats, shoes, and bags."
–Lindsey Kleinmeister
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FASHION'S GREATEST MINDS
14 people whose ideas have changed the course of sartorial history
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135 B.C.
Unnamed woman creates raw version of a bra after tripping over own breasts constantly
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1 A.D.
Jesus invents Birkenstocks
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730
Irish peasant Meagan McCarthy mistakenly pioneers fur industry by slinging dead squirrel around neck in public
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1216
German cobbler Ludwig Stuckenschmidt fashions wife a "belt" to hide her fupa
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1788
Immanuel Kant pens Critique of Pure Reason. Wife uses his logic to justify buying new petticoats
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1810
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe writes in Götz von Berlichingen, "Whilst romance is the hobby of all life, I engage in one kind today – this new linen chemise is so cute!"
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1897
Polish physicist Marie Curie popularizes "prude" street fashion style, which is revisited a century later by film actress Diane Keaton
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1964
Designer Mary Quant creates the miniskirt. Perverts around the world rejoice
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1987
Christian Lacroix debuts infamous "pouf" dress, a symbol of '80s excess. Socialites smuggle drugs in its folds on transatlantic flights
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1993
Jean-Paul Gaultier cleverly addresses gays in the military controversy with his "Le Male" fragrance campaign.
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1998
Old Navy secretary makes fun of boss's too-small fleece, calling it, "microfleece." $6 billion in revenues later, she is still a secretary
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2004
Gabriel Aubry, first known human with IQ of 23 able to digest food without use of machines, claims Earth is flat on the set of a Versace shoot
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2008
Lauren Conrad scores 880 on SATs, launches fashion line
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2009
Chastity "Chaz" Bono launches line of wallet chains for women and inspires tough-chic trend for Fall/Winter season
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ON MY BOOKSHELF
We asked six fashion bookworms what's on their summer reading list
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Candy Pratts Price
Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life
by Thomas J. Harbin |
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Michael Kors
The Bitch Switch: Knowing How to Turn It On and Off
by Omarosa |
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Stephanie Seymour
You've Earned It, Don't Lose It: Mistakes You Can't Afford to Make When You Retire
by Suze Orman |
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Kanye West
The Joy of Gay Sex
by Charles Silverstein & Felice Picano |
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Carolina Herrera
How Long Will They Mourn Me?: The Life and Legacy of Tupac Shakur
by Candace Sandy & Dawn Marie Daniels |
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Alexa Chung
The Unselfish Guide to Self Promotion
by Jorge S. Olson & Gloria Olson |
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BECKHAM BESTOWS GRADUATING COLUMBIA CLASS WITH
PERSONAL WISDOM
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NEW YORK – Celebrated writer, thinker, mother, and pop singer Victoria Beckham, 35, offered up her considerable intellect last week in a commencement speech given to members of Columbia University
's graduating class of 2009. Mrs. Beckham, bedecked in billowing academic robes, closed her speech with a somber call to action: "So here's the story from A to Z. The trumpet summons us again-not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are-but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation-a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself. When you're feeling sad and low, I will take you where you gotta go. And so, graduates: ask not what your country can do for you, but shake it to the right if you're having a good time, and shake it to the front if you know that you feel fine. And remember to make it last forever, 'cause friendship never ends."
–Alyssa Morgan
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WHAT'S IN A NAME?
We invited a celebrated Yale University linguist to drill down the names of some fashion folks to their essential meaning
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Luke Worrall: Lords of Dogtown casting leftover (Indo-European)
Peaches Geldof: She who liveth near Union Pool (Germanic)
Margherita Missoni: Pizza mission (Indo-European)
Tatiana Santo Domingo: Saint big knees (Altaic)
Snejana Onopka: Human made of Japanese rice paper (Uralic)
Junya Watanabe: Wanna jump? (Afroasiatic)
Tim Gunn: Pink lace underwear addict (Indo-European)
Rihanna: Post-bypass Missy Elliot (Creole)
André Leon Talley: IHOP hall-of-famer (Bantu)
Anna Wintour: Heart of winter, organ harvester (Malayo-Polynesian)
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VIDEO:
HER STORY
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Kate Moss's celebrated autobiography is in the works, and we recently snagged this exclusive peek into her creative process. Click here to watch
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TOM FORD FOUND TO BE ONE HORNY MONKEY
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RALEIGH-DURHAM, N.C. – A recent neurological study has revealed that Tom Ford's brain is most similar to that of a Bonobo monkey. The study, conducted by neurologists at Duke University Medical School, was part of a survey of the brain function of fifty innovators in a variety of fields, from fashion to finance. The study had hoped to uncover similarities in the neurological make-up and activity of chosen creative leaders, and though the results suggest that most of the subjects smoke or have smoked marijuana, little else was uncovered about the nature of creative genius. "We were pretty underwhelmed with the data, to be frank," said Dr. Victor Jeffries
, who lead the study. "But we took note when we got Mr. Ford's readings." What the doctors noticed was a pattern of brain activity that directly matched bonobo monkeys mid-coitus. "It's pretty remarkable actually. Upon further investigation, not only did we realize his brain size and shape are similar to a bonobo's, but the actual synapse firing pattern was identical to the primate's during rape. That, and the distinct musk his body gives off was pretty freaky." The doctors had hoped to uncover more about the designer but said much of the data was lost. "He kept putting the electrodes on his dick so we just gave up." – Karen Rootfield
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FASHION SCRAPS
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Arnault's Failed Math Creates Panic on LVMH Budget
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Lagerfeld Pens Debut Children's Book, 101 Bavarian Nights
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Kinsey Study Reveals Isaac Mizrahi in Own Category of Human Sexuality
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PARIS – On Wednesday, the luxury goods group Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessy confirmed a rumor that its chairman and CEO, Bernard Arnault, was directly to blame for its shocking fifteen point drop on the Paris Stock Exchange. Executives close to the situation explain that "Mr. Arnault appears to have forgotten to carry the 1" in an extensive long division equation used to calculate the LVMH annual budget. "Our predicament is quite serious," said Arnault, sipping cognac at a press conference held yesterday afternoon. "Sorry. Whatever. Is my plane ready?" President Sidney Maupassant commented that the group expects a minimum of 1300 layoffs and an eighty percent reduction in Louis Vuitton's advertising budget to save the company from abject financial ruin. "What are you gonna do," shrugged Vuitton creative director Marc Jacobs
, seemingly nonplussed by the panic in his office. "I guess it's back to one-ply." – Caitlin Quim
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PARIS –
"If I can create couture, I certainly can create children's tales," said Karl Lagerfeld from his drafting table over looking the Seine, as he sketched two fashionable children – a boy in a blazer and navy short-shorts and a girl in a lace shift, both adorned with elbow length gloves – for his new series of children's books called Tiaras and Tails from the Black Forest. The stories revolve around two orphans, Sofie and Siggy, who roam the forest in search of their parents. Through their travels the duo befriend a furrier, a leather tanner, a weaver, and a milliner, and create their own fashion line by the time they find their parents at Paris fashion week. Lagerfeld added: "My series will make Eloise look like the frumpy little dyke she is." – Mara Amiri
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BLOOMINGTON, IN. – On the Kinsey Scale of Sexuality, which ranges from zero to six, designer Isaac Mizrahi has been ranked a J, according to the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. The scale, developed by Dr. Alfred Kinsey in 1948, measures human sexuality, with exclusive heterosexuality at zero and exclusive homosexuality at 6, and a range of bisexuality and Lohanisms in between. "Mr. Mizrahi's case is very interesting," said Dr. Elizabeth Clay, director of gender studies at the Institute. "We've seen asexuality, and we even gave Christian Siriano
an 8, but Isaac's overt homosexual tendencies and demeanor coupled with his fear of physical contact puts him in his own category." She added: "I theorize that for a J such as Mr. Mizrahi, climax might only be reached through vigorous masturbation in front of a mirror, perhaps with Karen Carpenter playing softly in the background. Crying might even cause multiple orgasms." – Mara Amiri
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TODAY'S OBSESSION:
THE PASHMINA!
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It's a wrap! From the Upper East Side to Midtown, fashion is going loco for these chic goat-hair scarves. Channel Carrie Bradshaw on cool summer evenings and take the infamous pashmina for a twirl. Guaranteed to update your look in a split second!
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| RECOMMENDED LINKS:
tavi-thenewgirlintown.blogspot.com
www.stileproject.com
www.mint.com |
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